We truly started on the Respectful Parenting journey about 1+ year back, when T was 1.5 years old.
Parenting is hard enough as it is. With Respectful Parenting, it truly takes a lot of patience, endurance, and self-awareness to implement the principles.
I would say we integrated Respectful Parenting in a staggering manner into our home. There were a few times when we fell off the wagon, especially when we were stressed or exhausted from work. But it helps when you have a partner-in-crime in this to support and encourage each other.
We make sure we are on the same page in terms of parenting styles.
By โweโ, Iโm referring to my Husband and I. We are the parents, and the main caregivers of T. To be able to successfully implement Respectful Parenting principles, I have to make sure that he believes in it as much as I do.
My Husband hates reading books, he can never go past 1 chapter in a book without falling asleep. So from the numerous books Iโve read on Respectful Parenting, I chose the simplest, most straight-forward one for him – โPositive Parentingโ by Rebecca Eanes. I highlighted the key points in the book, and asked him to go through those.
I also illustrated a few examples of how to respectfully parent T during our day-to-day lives. Itโs always easier to explain a concept with real life examples.
Itโs crucial that you and your other half believe in and are willing to implement the same parenting style. If there are contradictory styles between the both of you, it will be very confusing for the child. Ensuring your other half is on the same side as you will also help in this journey since you can support and encourage each other along the way.
We practice being calm and keeping calm.
Somehow it’s so easy to flare up with your child. When friends, colleagues, acquaintances, even strangers piss you off, you find that you can hold your temper and hide your irritation well most of the time. But with a child, every time he does something that ticks me off, my knee-jerk reaction is to flare up at him.
I had to constantly remind myself to be patient and to be respectful.
When Iโm on the brink of flaring up, I always take a few seconds to compose myself before talking to him. Sometimes I would walk away for awhile before coming back to him. I would remind myself that heโs only 2, and heโs probably having an even harder time with his emotions than I am and I need to help him through it.
If you can’t keep your cool, you will find it very challenging to implement positive discipline and positive parenting principles in general.
We take things slower.
Implementing Respectful Parenting means that you have to be extremely patient. And being patient means you cannot be rushing through the tasks with your child.
We always buffer a lot of time when it comes to managing T. Children really take their time to โstop and smell the rosesโ, as they say. They take their time to walk to the bathroom for their shower, they take their time to eat, they take their time to get dressed, they take their time to keep their toys.
Many a times, I find myself feeling extremely frustrated because heโs not doing things as fast as I wanted him to. But then I realized, we adults are living life at a pace much too hurried. We got to learn from these kids. So we started slowing things down.
Whenever we are going out with T, we start to get him ready way before the time that we need to leave. This also buys us time to parent him respectfully. For eg, if heโs very focused with playing with his toys, I could give him a heads-up and I could allow him to finish the activity, before letting him get dressed independently (another activity that takes up a lot of time). If you donโt allow for enough time to do these, you will be rushing him along constantly while feeling very frustrated, and more likely than not, you will end up dragging a crying screaming child from his unfinished activity to get changed.
We give him a heads-up all the time.
T, like every other child, is very focused whenever heโs playing. And T, like every other human being, hates it when someone else stops him in the midst of his activity. So we always give him a heads-up about what is to come.
When he wakes in the morning, we tell him what we are doing for the day and where we are going. During the day, we always tell him what the next activity is, no matter how mundane the activity is. โOk, you will need to use the potty after thisโ, โWe will shower and get dressed after thisโ, โYou will take your vitamins after this, before we go outโ…
Wouldnโt you want to know whatโs planned for you for the day? Itโs the same with children.
We do the countdown a lot with T.
One of the most successful techniques we have implemented with T is doing a count down for him.
โIโm going to count to 5, and when I do, I would like you to follow me to the bathroomโ.
โYou have 10 more minutes to play with your toys.โ โOk, now 5 more minutes.โ โOk, now Iโm going to count to 5, and I would like you to keep those toys.โ
โYou can finish up your current activity. After that Iโm going to count to 5, and please go wear your shoes.โ
With a count down, you have to call out theย consequencesย too. And you have to ensure that you implement the consequences every single time. If you donโt, the count down will cease to work.
โIโm going to count to 5, and when I do, I would like you to follow me to the bathroom.ย Otherwise, I will have to carry you there myself.โ
โOk, now Iโm going to count to 5, and I would like you to keep those toys. If you donโt, you are showing that youโre not responsible, andย I will not allow you to play with them for the rest of the day.โ
โYou can finish up your current activity. After that Iโm going to count to 5, and please go wear your shoes.ย Otherwise, we are not going out.โ
This technique is extremely effective with T. Iโm surprised at how effective it has been actually.
Do not overuse it though. If you do the count down for every single activity, it will lose its effectiveness. We use it only when T refused to carry out the task despite multiple reminders from us.
We are very stingy with our โNoโs.
Iโve seen parents who have said โNoโ to their children for everything. If you over-use your โNoโs, your โNoโs will not mean anything anymore.
I went for a Respectful Parenting talk by Chapter Zero Singapore before. During the talk, we did an activity where we were told to close our eyes. The facilitator started shouting โNo!โ, โNo, donโt do that!โ, โNo, stop!โ, โNo!โ, โNo!โ, โNo!โ. And she asked us how we feel. Not good, obviously.
Then we closed our eyes again. And she said in a very calm voice โYesโ, โYes, of courseโ, โYes, sure you canโ, โYesโ, โYesโ, โYesโ. And she asked us how we feel listening to her.
If someone keeps saying no to you, after awhile, you stop taking her โnoโ seriously. โOh sheโs saying no again. She always says no. Who cares, Iโm just going to do it.โ
We use โNoโ only when it involves the below:
1. Serious damage to our furniture or public property.
For eg, drawing on our sofa, or slamming the door.
2. It poses a danger to his safety or othersโ safety.
For eg, touching electrical points, or hitting another child.
3. It causes harm to his health.
For eg, wanting to eat biscuits when heโs not feeling well.
4. Itโs not allowed by law.
For eg, wanting to press the bell button in the lift, or taking a toy out of a shop.
So yes, we are extremely stingy (but firm) with our โNoโs with T.
We always try to understand and see things from his perspectives.
I think this is the #1 rule when it comes to Respectful Parenting.
When you can empathise with your child, you in turn teach him empathy through your actions. When you are able to see things from his perspectives, you will then be able to understand why heโs reacting or behaving in a certain way.
Whenever we are puzzled by his behaviour, or frustrated by his emotional outbursts, we always try to look at the situation from his point of view.
We never walk away from him during his emotional outbursts.
Whenever heโs being difficult by throwing a tantrum or having an emotional outburst, we never walk away from him. We always make sure he knows we are there for him, and he can come to us anytime.
โDo you want a hug? Iโm here if you want a hug.โ
โI know youโre upset and youโre not ready to talk now. I will be here for you, and we can talk about it when you feel calmer.โ
Sometimes heโs so agitated we canโt get a word across to him, so we will just reach out and hug him.
There are times when we feel like we are on the brink of flaring up and shouting at him. During these times, we do walk away for a few seconds just to compose ourselves, and then we come back to him.
Aside from those times, we never leave him when heโs going through one of his emotional outbursts. There are no time-outs in our home, only time-ins.
Respectful Parenting is a journey.
It doesnโt take overnight to integrate Respectful Parenting at home, it takes months. And it takes perseverance to follow through with Respectful Parenting and not give up mid-way. It also requires a lot of support and encouragement from the other caregivers of the child.
Itโs been about 1 year since we started on Respectful Parenting, and this parenting style has worked so well for all of us. Of course, T still has his tantrums. Heโs a toddler! But we have the know-how to manage them so much better now. Iโm really thankful that we have made the conscious decision to embark on this journey, it is a game-changer for us in terms of parenting.
I hope this 3-part blog series have helped in introducing the What, Why and How of Respectful Parenting to you. Itโs never too late to start on the Respectful Parenting journey.
Click on the below to read Part II and Part III of the Respectful Parenting blog series.
Respectful Parenting Part I: What is Respectful Parenting Aboutย (readย here)
Respectful Parenting Part II: Vs Conventional Parentingย (readย here)
Below are some resources which I hope will help you get started!
Facebook groups:
– Respectful/Mindful Parenting Singapore
– Chapter Zero Singapore
Books/Resources:
– Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes
– Elevating Childcare by Janet Lansbury
– No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
– Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr Laura Markham
– The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J Siegel MD
– No Drama Discipline by Daniel J Siegel MD
